Thoughts on Conducting a Meaningful Heshbon haNefesh

Published in Connections Magazine, Tishrei, 2013, by Ruth Hirsch

In this issue we continue our theme of looking at factors that contribute to a balanced life. Back in May we discussed spirituality and our individual relationship with Hashem.This month we’ll look at the process of doing a personal spiritual accounting, or Heshbon haNefesh, the work that helps to guide each of us in our individual tshuva.

As most know, the High Holiday period actually begins in Elul. From the beginning of Elul through Yom Kippur is an important 40-day period of spiritual accounting: introspection, a time to step back and look at ourselves critically and honestly, with the intention of improving. Elul is a time to clarify our life’s goals, to refocus if appropriate, and to deepen our relationship with Hashem.

Adam, the first human, is said to have been created on Rosh Hashana. So, too, each of us has the opportunity to be created anew on this day. The more energy we put into our own personal spiritual accounting, the more that we stand to gain from the holiday.

There are many ways to do a spiritual accounting. Traditionally, this process has involved three primary steps:

• acknowledging where we might have fallen short of optimal behavior,
• regret for our shortcomings, and
• resolution to change.

Another way of looking at doing a Heshbon haNefesh, or inner accounting is to take time and energy to look at our lives. What is working and what might not be working so well. Where we’ve grown and where additional growth might be needed. Maybe comparing what we’d hoped to have accomplished with what we actually accomplished. Noticing where we may not have met our expectations- and where we’ve exceeded our expectations. And giving some thought to goals and intentions for the year to come.

Many of us feel some resistance to the idea of taking such an inner accounting. We might feel some trepidation about what we might discover in through this process. To look at ourselves honestly requires courage and faith. Looked at another way, it is actually a blessing to have this time of year built-in to the Jewish calendar to make a special effort to take stock. Of course, doing an inner accounting is not just a one-time thing. Making it a habit to look within, and modify our actions as appropriate, can actually be strengthening.

Eugene Gendlin, who developed Experiential Focusing, a process designed to help us be more present with ourselves and others, has said: “What is true is already so. Owning up to it doesn’t make it any worse. Not being open about it doesn’t make it go away…. People can stand what is true for they are already enduring it.”

What a powerful statement: “What is true is already so.” This seems obvious. And yet, how often we attempt to push away aspects of ourselves we find unpleasant, or deem to be socially unacceptable; or memories that feel scary, or somehow threaten to overwhelm what might feel like the tenuous equilibrium that we’ve managed to find for ourselves.

Gendlin’s last sentence bears repeating: “People can stand what is true, for they are already enduring it.” So often we feel as though we can tuck undesirable thoughts and/or memories into the back corners of our consciousness- and actually believe that if we’re lucky, they may even disappear.

As most of us know, whatever we tuck away never really disappears. It may not be apparent to our conscious awareness, but it is there nevertheless, affecting us in ways we might never  realize are connected with that  long-ago event.

In noted contrast to how we feel when we resist doing something is how it feels to actually do whatever it was that we’d been resisting. Most of us find simply facing that which we’d resisted in the past to be both empowering and liberating.

Here are a few questions that you might wish to ask yourself to deepen your own inner accounting:

• Who am I? Who is the core me? What makes me unique?
• Each of us has a special, unique reason for being here. What am I here for? What is my lifetime goal? What are my short-term goals?
• In what way did I grow in the past year? Not necessarily what did I do, but how did I grow?
• What do I feel I need or want to accomplish before the end of the year? And in the coming year?
• If I needed to choose one quality, or trait that I’d like to change in the coming year, what might this be?  What might need to happen (within me) in order for me to make this change?

As you conduct your own inner accounting, it might be helpful to remember that the month of Elul is also called the month of rachamim: compassion, or mercy.  Also relevant is the fact that according to the Sefer Yetzirah, the sense associated with this month is action. The attitudes of mercy and compassion, combined with action, are key ingredients in doing a spiritual accounting.

When we approach our inner accounting with judgement and criticism, the result is less likely to be successful. When we are able to be gentle with and have compassion for ourselves, we are more likely to be open to looking within– and our inner selves are more likely to feel safe enough to open up and to share the precious wisdom held within.

Once we become aware of our inner truths, action is required to carry it forward into our lives, and to the world outside. Jewish tradition puts these together, recognizing that action is limited unless it is accompanied by mercy and compassion. With these working in tandem, we are able to listen more deeply to ourselves, and to each other, and to begin to effect change in the world.

In Judaism we are taught that it is always possible to return, to repair., regardless of how challenging a situation might appear to be. In the Talmud it is written, “In the way in which a person wants to go, that is the way in which he will be led.” Doing a Heshbon haNefesh can help us to be more clear about where it is that we wish to go.

We wish that you be blessed with the courage and commitment to approach your own inner accounting with compassion, and that you are successful in taking the actions necessary to move forward in your life in the way that is right for you.

Shana tova u’metuka! (Wishing you a good and sweet year!)