February, 2013

In “Might your Challenges be Blessings in Disguise?” I wrote about how life’s challenges might also be blessings. Let’s continue with this theme, while also connecting it with the Hebrew month of Adar which begins on Monday, 11 February, 2013. It’s often said that when Adar comes, joy is increased. A common refrain proclaims, “Be happy, it’s Adar!”

Easy to say, but can we actually will ourselves to be happy? Not just superficially, or momentarily happy, but to experience joy deeply? According to the literature on positive psychology, an important component of being happy is gratitude. When we are grateful, we are paying attention to what’s good in our lives rather than concentrating on what might not be working so well.  So when we feel grateful, we generally also feel more content and happier.

Last week I participated in a powerful online group for Ayeka facilitators. Founded by Aryeh Ben David, Ayeka, meaning “where are you?” in Hebrew, is a unique approach to Jewish education geared toward promoting personal exploration and growth through Jewish wisdom. 

In the session, entitled “A Gratitude Check-Up,” Aryeh borrowed the expression, “You’re only as happy as your least happy child” and applied it to gratitude. In other words, we can only be as grateful as the gratitude we experience for that for which we are least grateful!

A mouthful, yes. And a powerful idea  implying that all those things for which we are not grateful actually impede our ability to be as happy as we might be. Further, given that experiencing gratitude helps us to be happier, experiencing gratitude for things for which it might never have occurred to us to experience gratitude can lead to even more joy in our lives. 

Bringing to mind a few of the smaller irritations and one of the major disappointments in my life, I set out to test  this idea. 

As presented in “Might Your Challenges be Blessings in Disguise?” I began by asking myself what gift there might be in one particularly challenging relationship in my life. Even now, I’m feeling the awe I felt when realizing the not insignificant gifts made possible by this relationship. From this awareness, it is just one more step to opening to feeling grateful. 

At the same time, the progression to experiencing gratitude isn’t to be minimized. Often, before we can experience gratitude, we must first acknowledge the places in us that continue to feel pain, sadness, and other feelings connected with a particular event or person.

I invite you now to bring to mind an event in your life for which it never occurred to you to feel gratitude. Holding this gently, notice what comes for you as you do the following exercise.

Focusing on Gratitude- an exercise

Focusing can be a catalyst to begin to experience gratitude for something you might not have had gratitude before.

Sit or lie down in a place where you won’t be interrupted for at least 5 – 10 minutes. Notice  if you’re comfortable the way you’re sitting/lying. If not, take the time to adjust yourself so that you can be as comfortable as possible.

Take a few nice, deep breaths, allowing the inhalation to fill your belly with air, then also exhale fully, perhaps noticing how it feels just to breathe.

When ready, very gently bring to mind that event for which you might not be able to even imagine feeling gratitude. Then, with compassion, begin by acknowledging whatever feelings might arise within you right now, in this moment.

With an attitude of curiosity, notice if it would be OK to ask yourself, what has having this difficulty in my life given me?

Ask as though you really care, you really want to know what this challenge has given you- or has the potential to give you. Take your time. Just sitting with curiosity, gentleness, noticing what arises. What is true for you, from the inside, whatever it might be.

Then simply acknowledge what’s come, noticing how it is to acknowledge yourself in an accepting, compassionate way.

Now notice if it might be OK to thank the event for having been the source of these gifts in your life.

Before stopping, take some time to thank your being for all that it does for you. Notice if it might feel right to extend some extra compassion and warmth inside before you gently bring your awareness back to your breath and to the room around you.

I’ll welcome hearing how this was for you, as well as any questions that might arise about this process. Feel free to drop me an email, and to check out these pages for more information about  learning Focusing, one-to-one sessions, or simply to say hi!

Some Quotes on Happiness & Gratitude

“Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within.”   Helen Keller“

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long as the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”   Helen Keller“

Help us to be the always hopeful gardeners of the spirit, who know that without darkness nothing comes to birth as without light, nothing flowers.” May Sarton

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment” Naomi Williams“Success in not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. if you love what you are doing, you will be successful.” Albert Schweitzer